life, death, friends and cancer

(pic is trail in IL)
My friend with cervical cancer went to dr yesterday. I'll call her Amb. The news wasn't really good so far. She goes this morning to get some scans done to see if it has spread anywhere else yet. She will start chemo/radiation next week to try and shrink the tumor, so it will be small enuf to remove! They said right now it goes from one pelvic bone accross to the other. If they can shrink it, then they will do a radical hysterectomy and take out ALL the reproductive organs and ligaments and tumor. In two weeks the rad/chemo will have killed her ovaries and she will begin menapause. Have I mentioned she is 29 yrs old, one month younger than me. We will find out today if it has spread anywhere else. They said she has stage 3b. The next stage worse is 4 and that has stages 4a-4c. Stage 3 only has two levels I guess. Then 4c is the last stage there is.

I have told her that I will take her to appts or help her in anyway I can. I gave her some of my ginger candy to try if she gets nausous (sp?) and I told her I'll pick up some preggo pops to try too. I am making her a little book ( I scrap and make cards all the time), and I want to put pics of friends and family members in it so she can take it with her and know that even if all of us can't be with her all the time, we all still care and will be thinking of her while whe is at dr's.

I want to find a small sized pic of cells fighting off and killing cancer cells to add to book for her to visualize on- if anyone has something like that they could post that would be great. Also if anyone knows anything else her friends could do for her, or anyhting we should be prepared for that I might not have thought of, anything you could tell me, that would be great.

Between her cancer and losing the baby, this has not been a good month for me so sorry if I have been short or brainless. Amb was my first girlfriend too (11 yrs ago) when we were teens. We have been friends since then. I have added vigorous HPV testing to my list of appts at RE's office- more fun! (sense the sarcasm) I am asking all of you to also test for HPV. Not just the pap. but actual HPV test.

On top of this it is just a month til my sisters wedding and my Grandma no longer knows who I am when I visit. I am crying at the drop of a hat these days. To make it more fun, my DP K is still worried that I will leave her for Amb in her time of need. Bleepin bleep. I mean get w/it! We don't need to be fighting about this! Amb is sick- really, really sick, I doubt she is thinking anything about getting down my pants for cryin out loud. But K is worried because we have our own relationship issues and thinks I will look for some love outside our relationship. She said she is older than me and has seen how these things go, I will spend more time w/Amb then I guess we will decide to be together. Even though we have managed for 11 yrs not to sleep together and even lived as roommates before. Whatever. K says Amb would not be there for me like this if situation was reversed. You know, I agree with that. Most of my friends seem to be flakes, it is almost always me who calls them, who wants to get together, who sees how they are,... that is fine. I understand they are flakes and that if I didn't put in the effort, none of us would stay in contact. I accept that. If that means they wouldn't be there for me if I were sick- that will be their own bad karma. I am not going to not be a nice person/friend just because they wouldn't! I am not going to choose to be a bad friend since they are! I guess they are all just lucky I am their friend. Haha

But do you know what? I am still kinda young, but I have realized that life is short, memories are what you make, and people aren't around forever. My grandpa died of Alzhiemers (sp?) almost 2 yrs ago, and other family has died too. I found out when I was 20, that I have a chronic illness that will slowly take away my mobility. I will be in a wheelchair eventually. I have moved accross the country for years, and then moved back. I have known kids I went to school with who have been shot or committed suicide. I have had friends live with, and die from AIDS. When I was growing up, I lost 2 dads to divorce. I have been lucky in a way becuase I have noticed young, that people come and go in your life. Life itself comes and goes. The friends that have known you a long time, and seen you at you worst or doing stupid things and still talk to you and love you.....those are people you should hang on to, even if it means that you have to call them. They are also the ones who will laugh with you and listen to you ramble on about your own life. They are the ones who won't care if you throw up, or fall down, or crash at their place. They are family, flakey or not, and if I am going to be hiking around on a hilly trail, I at least want to see some familiar faces around the bend occasionally.