life, death, friends and cancer

(pic is trail in IL)
My friend with cervical cancer went to dr yesterday. I'll call her Amb. The news wasn't really good so far. She goes this morning to get some scans done to see if it has spread anywhere else yet. She will start chemo/radiation next week to try and shrink the tumor, so it will be small enuf to remove! They said right now it goes from one pelvic bone accross to the other. If they can shrink it, then they will do a radical hysterectomy and take out ALL the reproductive organs and ligaments and tumor. In two weeks the rad/chemo will have killed her ovaries and she will begin menapause. Have I mentioned she is 29 yrs old, one month younger than me. We will find out today if it has spread anywhere else. They said she has stage 3b. The next stage worse is 4 and that has stages 4a-4c. Stage 3 only has two levels I guess. Then 4c is the last stage there is.

I have told her that I will take her to appts or help her in anyway I can. I gave her some of my ginger candy to try if she gets nausous (sp?) and I told her I'll pick up some preggo pops to try too. I am making her a little book ( I scrap and make cards all the time), and I want to put pics of friends and family members in it so she can take it with her and know that even if all of us can't be with her all the time, we all still care and will be thinking of her while whe is at dr's.

I want to find a small sized pic of cells fighting off and killing cancer cells to add to book for her to visualize on- if anyone has something like that they could post that would be great. Also if anyone knows anything else her friends could do for her, or anyhting we should be prepared for that I might not have thought of, anything you could tell me, that would be great.

Between her cancer and losing the baby, this has not been a good month for me so sorry if I have been short or brainless. Amb was my first girlfriend too (11 yrs ago) when we were teens. We have been friends since then. I have added vigorous HPV testing to my list of appts at RE's office- more fun! (sense the sarcasm) I am asking all of you to also test for HPV. Not just the pap. but actual HPV test.

On top of this it is just a month til my sisters wedding and my Grandma no longer knows who I am when I visit. I am crying at the drop of a hat these days. To make it more fun, my DP K is still worried that I will leave her for Amb in her time of need. Bleepin bleep. I mean get w/it! We don't need to be fighting about this! Amb is sick- really, really sick, I doubt she is thinking anything about getting down my pants for cryin out loud. But K is worried because we have our own relationship issues and thinks I will look for some love outside our relationship. She said she is older than me and has seen how these things go, I will spend more time w/Amb then I guess we will decide to be together. Even though we have managed for 11 yrs not to sleep together and even lived as roommates before. Whatever. K says Amb would not be there for me like this if situation was reversed. You know, I agree with that. Most of my friends seem to be flakes, it is almost always me who calls them, who wants to get together, who sees how they are,... that is fine. I understand they are flakes and that if I didn't put in the effort, none of us would stay in contact. I accept that. If that means they wouldn't be there for me if I were sick- that will be their own bad karma. I am not going to not be a nice person/friend just because they wouldn't! I am not going to choose to be a bad friend since they are! I guess they are all just lucky I am their friend. Haha

But do you know what? I am still kinda young, but I have realized that life is short, memories are what you make, and people aren't around forever. My grandpa died of Alzhiemers (sp?) almost 2 yrs ago, and other family has died too. I found out when I was 20, that I have a chronic illness that will slowly take away my mobility. I will be in a wheelchair eventually. I have moved accross the country for years, and then moved back. I have known kids I went to school with who have been shot or committed suicide. I have had friends live with, and die from AIDS. When I was growing up, I lost 2 dads to divorce. I have been lucky in a way becuase I have noticed young, that people come and go in your life. Life itself comes and goes. The friends that have known you a long time, and seen you at you worst or doing stupid things and still talk to you and love you.....those are people you should hang on to, even if it means that you have to call them. They are also the ones who will laugh with you and listen to you ramble on about your own life. They are the ones who won't care if you throw up, or fall down, or crash at their place. They are family, flakey or not, and if I am going to be hiking around on a hilly trail, I at least want to see some familiar faces around the bend occasionally.

Oregon Oregon Oregon

(Second pic is wild flower from a statepark in OR, near Cougar Hotsprings last summer, & first pic is a natural wood bench on coast near a lookout area from same trip. Both taken by me and all my pics are copyrighted, please do not use/copy w/out permission.)

Kim is homesick again and I feel so bad. I forced her to live in Iowa instead of Oregon. She misses her family who live in OR. I understand that she wants to go home. If I compare OR and IA, OR wins even with me! The only reason we live here is because my family and friends all live here and they are very supportive. When we first moved here, my grandparents were ill. I was able to be here for my grandpa's death and funeral, and now to visit grandma. My mom helps us with all our repairs on the house by buying supplies and helping w/the work. My mom, sister and I do stuff together all the time. We garden together, scrap book together, shop together....talk almost everyday. We could afford a house here and would never be able to own a home in OR, since they are so expensive there. My mom loves babies and being a grandma and I don't want to keep her from any kids we have. Two of my oldest friends lived in OR with me and have both moved back here too so now we have only one good friend living in OR still.

However, Kim's family is in OR and Portland is a lesbian capitol. The entire state is beautiful and environmentally friendly. Almost everyone there, thinks more like us! There is the coast, the mountains, the desert, hotsprings, waterfalls, hiking trails, wild camping, ferns, fresh air, wild animals, huge slugs, fewer bugs, Saturday Market, more hippies, middle road temps year round, a huge Pride Fest, more artists, Union work for Kim and lesbian friendly union benefits. I was covered on her insurance there, unlike here. I would love for my children to live and love Oregon the way we do.

In OR I have soaked in a natural hotspring with snow all around us in the middle of the woods. I have swam in a stream with beavers and lifted my hands out of the water along the shore so I could see that I was holding 20 soft & cute salamanders in my hands as they crawled around. I watched birds soaring, and ocean waves lapping. I walked through woods so fragile, beautiful, green and lush that you could almost hear the forest fairies dancing and laughing while you walk by. I have tried to breath in and memorize the smell of the fresh mountain air so that I would be able to smell it the rest of my life, no matter where I was. I have stood on a park bench and watched 10,000 other gay/lesbian/trans/bi family members walk together with love to the waterfront park to celebrate our lives and heal our wounds. I have cried with happiness at the beauty of things, many times in Oregon. Just as I cry now while typing this becuase I am so far away from it now. I miss Oregon and so does Kim. My family lives here though and for now we are choosing them even if it is killing ou spirits a little all the time.

My old ttc notes from message board

These are my old posts of updates on where we were in ttc. They are backwards so most recent ones are on top. Boring background info haha.

Recovery and try #9~ I talked to Dr F who wants to do another HSG to make sure that the HSGto make sure my tube is still clear after the tubal. He has agreed that we can start up the medications (clomid first) prior to HSG in the hope that it will be ok and we can go on with the injectibles and do another IUI. We will do same protocol as last time. FX Oh please oh please oh please! I will limp thru this again.

AI#8 con't~ did get BFP, First beta was 12 and prog was 12.5, two days later beta was 43 and prog up to 22.2, then beta was 412 tested four days after last test. Went to ER with pain and beta was down to 367. Blood was found internally near end of tube/ovary. Suspect a tubal pregnancy that ruptured near end of tube. I am being watched to make sure bleeding stops on its own and everything should be reabsorbed. Will have blood count and beta done again in few days. Progesterone shots were stopped. Dr said we will do same protocol next try since it did work this time. Will have to wait 1-2 months and probably have another HSG done. If beta doesn't go down on its own, they will try to give me a shot to break it down. They are trying to avoid surgery. * everything seems to be going down on its own. Beta was down to 226 (? or 2 something) on Monday. Looking good so far, as no medical intervention needed.
(AI#8 con't)*progesterone test done 7dpo, results were 38.4! Before they have ranged from 1.6 to 11.1 mostly around 4-7. So the PIO shots are working, finally!
AI#8= IUI done Feb 20th, 2007, 4 to 5 big follies were on u/s a few days before so hopefully we had a couple targets. I took clomid cd3-7 then Follistim injectibles cd 8-10, HCG shot of 10,000 iu on cd11. IUI in morning on cd 13 so we are once again waiting, waiting, waiting. I will be taking 1cc PIO shots every day starting today & progesterone check 7 dpiui to make sure they are working.
Try #7 -Jan '07= Clomid 100mg, u/s on cd11 showed follie at 17mm & 3 tiny ones at 13x14mm. Had 5,000 units HCG shot the next day. I will get the other 5,000 of HCG in 5-7 days to try to get body to make progesterone on its own. Having an iui w/a new dr (well nurse actually). FX!
try #6 =BFN prog tested at 9.3 cd21, then at 4.6 taken 3 days later. Was on 200mg prometrium, then 400mg prometrium for the second test.
Did clomid cd3-7, u/s on fri Nov 24th showed 3 follies. Had another u/s on Mon. U/s also showed a small fibroid no one has mentioned before, but she said it is small & not in a bad location so shouldn't be a problem. Fx. did a trigger shot too.
88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
Try#5 (1st try on clomid) clomid 50 mg, cd 5-9 = bfn
You can take a look at my chart at the following web address: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/10786e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting discouraged. We have done 6 AI's & I have low progesterone. 7.8, 3.1, & on 400mg prometrium suppositories we get...dah dah dant da...11.1! whoopdy! I also have a backwards and tilted uterus/cervix that leans to the right. Everything is opposite from where it should be, ...figures. {I am always sick enough to be weird, not sick enough to have a def diagnosis and treatment plan!}
Small fibroid on uterus {seen Nov 24th 2006}.
Right ovary has been slightly larger than left one, & more sensitive/painful. Hopefully that is normal.
Come on baby, I've been waiting 29 years!
~~~~~ Sticky, speedy, baby conceiving dust to all of us!~~~~~

T & DP K ai #8-BFP ending in loss,

Planning ahead

A great big "Hello!" to Berrymom and Michelle, thanks for the comments/support. It is nice to know I am not the only one reading this, LOL. I am going to list your blogs here on my bloglinks. Hello to all my NW friends!

I saw Dr. F today, (my RE) about going ahead with HSG test to make sure my tube is still clear and ttc again. He agreed that I can start the clomid once my cycle starts and then we will do HSG before I start my injectibles. That way if all looks good on HSG, we will be able to insem too! Yippee! Now if anyone knows a good discount place to get more Follistim, I would love to know about it! (...or HCG or Progesterone in Oil) Dr F gave me a flyer for one place...they said Follistim price would be $199 for one 300 unit vial. I forgot to ask them about HCG or PIO.
If the HSG shows damage, he may have to remove a section or all of the tube. The last time I had HSG done, I thought I would die the pain was ssssooooo bad. Dr F said that is becuase the radialogist did it and didn't give any pain meds. He is going to give me a local on my cervix that should block any pain. He said to take Ibuprofin too-aaaaahhhhh,.... yeah! I will have K or my sister take me too, so I don't have to drive afterward.

So now I need to get all my meds lined up and ready to goand decide which vial to use. We only used one last time and ended up with 2 vials at dr's office- one each of two diff donors. arg. Do we go with the vial that has lower sperm count and slower swimmers, but does have many successful pregnancies on his side (D3).........or do we use same donor as last time who has faster swimmers, more swimmers, but possibly damaged swimmers, (call him D5)? I would be freaked out the entire time I was pregnant with the D5 swimmers, until I knew I wouldn't lose the baby and that it was healthy. We have both vials at the dr's office so eventually we would need to use it. I just don't know which to try first. 2 losses in a row might break me.

My sister's wedding is coming in early May so there is a lot of hoopla going on there. My mom is driving her nuts since she realized that as her only straight daughter, my sister's wedding would be the only one she can go Momzilla on. Haha! I escaped that one! Now that sis knows about the babymaking plans, I can make her give me the shots if we go somewhere without K. She has a weekend getaway planned for her girls night out and K will not be going, so I told sis she would have to step in if I need any shots.

{ Todays pic is one I took of my niece at a wedding last year. }

Click here to visit Mommas Baby to purchase items.

regular not good day

When I was leaving work today a woman I'll call J was in the office. She has been gone for a long time, and is now obviously pregnant. This makes me want to call her names in my head, or pinch her, or something. Before you think this is just me being mean (I'm really not!) , you need to know....J is the same woman who quit her job w/school district becuase the kids in her class were "not cute enough" for her to work with them. WHAT! Sorry, they don't transfer ppl to different classes until you find a class you think is attractive enuf for you to care for. aaaarrrggg. Mind you, I work in a preschool so generally they are all "cute". She also wanted to know where we kept all the little desks and when we would start the days school lessons. ? That was just the start of our dislike for each other. It con't to get worse as she spent her work hours flirting with any man around and leaving the rest of us to do work, but really my main complaint is.....this woman who is in no way maternal and thinks preschoolers are like handbags or fashion accessories, and talks to kids that aren't "cute" enuf for her as if they are scum of the earth w/squinted disgusted eyes, .....this woman is going to have a baby and I am not. I don't get it. Hopefully she has changed since last I knew her. Maybe she is a diff person now.

I really miss my "pregnant" body. I know I wasn't even that far along, but I already had lots of changes in my belly and boobs. I sneezed and had hiccups. I especially miss my boobs! Now I want the big ones back, and I never thought I was a big boob wantin' kind of girl. I miss the happy feeling that I had finally done it, that I would finally have a baby. I just felt different all around and I miss it. The baby would have been due around the time of my Mom and late grandpa's B-Days so I was excited to tell my Mom too. I still haven't told her about the baby and loss there of. { I don't like to talk to her about anything "medical". I had fractured one of my ankles and went home for a visit. When I was here, my Mom took me to the bike path for a walk and took away my crutches since I "didn't need them". She like to say things like "put it in a box and lock it away" "shake it off, you'll be fine", and "unless your arm is broken or falling off you don't need to see a dr". It isn't that she is mean, just so tough herself, that everyone else seems like a wuss, especially me. }

I am getting worried about what the dr will say. He still hasn't called back yet. I want to ttc again as soon as I can, but they want me to wait. If my tube was damaged does that mean I can't IUI anymore?

My friend stood me up again today too. She was going to come over & didn't show up or call. Most of my friends are flakes. I hate that.

I guess I am just not having a very good day today, I better just go to bed and trade this day in for a new one.